


Roads We Could Have Walked - Season One

by Riley_Sivertsen



Series: Roads We Could Have Walked - BBC Merlin Re-imagining [1]
Category: Merlin - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Arthur Finds Out About Merlin’s Magic (Merlin), Arthur Knows About Merlin's Magic (Merlin), Canon Compliant, F/M, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Gwen and Arthur Are Bros, Gwen and Merlin Are Bros, Gwen is a great friend, Idiots in Love, M/M, Merlin's Magic Revealed (Merlin), Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Oblivious Merlin (Merlin), Protective Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Unrequited Love, beautiful friendships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:08:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22278397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riley_Sivertsen/pseuds/Riley_Sivertsen
Summary: This is one fan's re-imagining of BBC Merlin.Every season and most episodes re-told in the hopes of giving every character and story-line the story they deserved - or at least a story slightly different from what they got.I am putting a lot of faith in my fellow fans here, since I only included the scenes I, well, wanted to!
Relationships: Gwen/Lancelot (Merlin), Merthur
Series: Roads We Could Have Walked - BBC Merlin Re-imagining [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1603612
Comments: 32
Kudos: 380





	1. S1E2 – Valiant

**Author's Note:**

> **** Much of this content is taken directly from the original script of BBC Merlin ****  
> This is my re-telling of BBC Merlin the way I wish it would have gone, going through most of the episodes in the whole series. The way I did that was by taking transcripts from each episode and go through and alter, add and remove according to my own preference.  
> I do not claim to have written any of the original content! This is a fan re-interpretation of the original show as it was aired. I love this show with all my heart and just want to share my dream version of it with the rest of the fandom <3
> 
> This is my first contribution to this fandom that I love so much! I hope I don't let you down after you have all brought me so much joy <3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a re-imagining of certain chosen scenes from the second episode of BBC Merlin - Valiant.
> 
> Merlin tries to intervene when a knight uses magic in a tournament.

Merlin had not counted on his first few days as servant to the Prince of Camelot to be quite this eventful, yet here he was, handing Arthur the severed head of a snake, trying to convince him the creature had slithered out of the shield of another knight.

“ _You_?” Arthur asked sceptically. “You chopped its head off?”

“Ewan was bitten by a snake from the shield when he was fighting Valiant,” Merlin said. “You can talk to Gaius, you can see the puncture wounds in Ewan’s neck where the snake bit him. Ewan was beating him, so he had to cheat.”

Arthur shook his head, avoiding Merlin’s eyes. “Valiant wouldn’t dare use magic in Camelot.”

“Ewan was pinned under Valiant’s shield,” Merlin tried. “No one could see the snake bite him.”

Arthur glanced between the snake head and Merlin. “I don’t like the guy, but that doesn’t mean he’s cheating.”

Merlin experienced a spike of anxiety. Was Arthur even listening to him? Did he _want_ to die? Arthur was strong and experienced and an excellent fighter, but the downside was that he had honour. He believed in a fair fight. Valiant didn’t.

“Gaius is preparing an antidote to the snake venom! When Ewan’s conscious, he’ll tell you what happened. If you fight Valiant in the final, he’ll use the shield. It’s the only way he can beat you. Look at it!” Merlin grabbed the snake head. Surely the stubborn horse’s ass of a prince would believe his own eyes. “Have you ever seen any snakes like this in Camelot?”

Clearly he didn’t want to believe a word of this, but Arthur did take a longer, closer look at the head in Merlin’s hands. Merlin’s stomach did a relieved flip when the prince shook his head. He was listening.

“I know I’m just a servant,” Merlin said softly, “and my word doesn’t count for anything. But I wouldn’t lie to you.”

He hadn’t known how true those words were until they were out of his mouth. Arthur was a pompous, cruel, infuriating stack of muscle and steel, but beneath it all, he had a decent heart. Merlin had caught glimpses of it in between whacks of the sword and dirty clothes thrown in his face, and Merlin didn’t want to discourage that decency. He _wanted_ Arthur to trust him.

Arthur stared at him intently, blue eyes shining with some internal conflict. “I want you to swear to me that what you’re telling me is true.”

“I swear it’s true,” Merlin replied with all his heart.

Arthur stared into his eyes for another long moment. “Then I believe you.”

*

Alright, admittedly that hadn’t gone as well as it could have. Literally any version of that would have been better than the look Uther gave Arthur when Valiant basically accused the prince of being a coward.

“I believed you, I trusted you, and you made me look like a complete fool.” They were the first words Arthur said when they entered his room, and they made the wave of anxiety inside Merlin shudder and rise.

“I know it didn’t go exactly to plan –”

“Didn’t go to plan?!” Arthur shouted, his eyes brimming with rage and embarrassment. “My father and the entire royal court think I’m a coward! You humiliated me!”

Merlin forced himself to speak, he didn’t have time to analyse how much he loathed that look in Arthur’s eyes. “We can still expose Valiant.”

“I no longer require your services,” Arthur said, and Merlin’s heart nearly stopped.

“You’re sacking me?”

“I need a servant I can trust.”

One day. For one day, he’d held Arthur’s trust and he had squandered it. “You can trust me!” he said, begged, pleaded for Arthur to believe it.

“And look where it got me this time,” Arthur said. He turned away from Merlin. “Get out of my sight.”

Merlin did as the prince ordered him, feeling his failure around him like an iron cloak.

*

He wasn’t going to be able to save him, and Arthur didn’t want anything to do with him. Arthur being angry at him was a more tolerable option than doing nothing, so Merlin risked Arthur’s wrath and found him later in the day.

“I thought I told you to get out of my sight,” he said the moment he spotted Merlin.

“Don’t fight Valiant in the tournament tomorrow,” Merlin said. He sounded desperate, which to Arthur might sound like weakness, but he didn’t really care right now. “He’ll use the shield against you.”

Arthur was quiet for a long moment. “I know.”

“Then withdraw! You have to withdraw.” Still desperate. Still didn’t care.

“Don’t you understand?” Arthur finally looked at him. “I can’t withdraw. The people expect their prince to fight. How can I lead men into battle if they think I’m a coward?”

“Valiant will kill you. If you fight, you die.” The words left an unbearable taste in Merlin’s mouth.

“Then I die.”

He said it so easily. Like he was talking about something as inevitable as the rain on a cloudy day and not something that made Merlin’s stomach fold in on itself.

“How can you go out there and fight like that?” he made himself ask.

“Because I have to,” Arthur said softly. “It’s my duty.”

Merlin stared at Arthur, golden hair and blue eyes and the entire world carried on his shoulders. Perhaps Merlin wasn’t the only one living under the weight of a destiny he never asked for and barely understood.

_How can I lead men into battle if they think I’m a coward?_

Any other day, Merlin might have suspected those words to come from a place of pride and vanity, but not now. Now, looking into the eyes of the prince, Merlin could see that the only thing Arthur cared about was being a good leader for his people, to set a good example. Even if it meant he would never get to lead them at all. Even if it meant dying in front of them for their entertainment.

As Arthur left him, Merlin started to think that Arthur, royal prat and tormentor of servants, may in fact, be one of the best people Merlin had ever met, and Merlin found himself admiring it.

That wasn’t a feeling he had expected to catch.

*

Merlin still couldn’t believe he had actually managed to do it, even as he watched Arthur, alive and well, bickering with Lady Morgana at the banquet. He had once again succeeded in saving Arthur’s life. The relief was nearly as overwhelming as the joy of seeing Arthur so infuriated by Morgana.

“Can you believe Morgana?” Arthur said after she walked away. “She says she saved me. Like I needed any help.” Merlin nearly choked on his drink trying not to laugh. “I wanted to say.” Arthur’s voice softened just a little. “I made a mistake. It was unfair to sack you.”

It was more than a little satisfying to hear the prince admit he was wrong.

“No, don’t worry about it,” Merlin said, riding the smugness. “Buy me a drink and call it even.”

“Uh,” Arthur said sheepishly. “I can’t be seen to be buying drinks for my servant.”

“Your servant?” Merlin asked. “You sacked me.”

“Now I’m rehiring you,” Arthur said, and though he snorted in response, Merlin couldn’t help but be happy about the turn of events – at least until the prick opened his mouth again.

“My chambers are a complete mess. My clothes need washing, My armour needs repairing. My boots need cleaning. My dogs need exercising. My fireplace –“

Perhaps Merlin should have let the snakes have him, after all.


	2. S1E3 -The Mark of Nimueh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a re-imagining of certain chosen scenes from the third episode of BBC Merlin - The Mark of Nimueh.
> 
> Merlin tries to protect Gwen by saying he's the sorcerer and Arthur is NOT okay with it.

This entire crisis made Arthur sick to his stomach. Watching his people die, unable to do anything to help them or their grieving loved ones. Arthur hated feeling helpless more than anything, but this moment unfolding in front of him filled him with an unexpected feeling of terror that urged him into action; this was a moment where he could take action and help.

“It was me!” Merlin shouted as he stormed into the council chamber, fire in his eyes and panic in his voice. “It was me who used magic to cure Gwen’s father! Gwen’s not the sorcerer. I am!”

Gaius was the first person in the room to process his words and got to his feet. “Merlin! Are you mad?”

“I cannot let her die for me.” Merlin gave Gaius a pleading look, as though begging his forgiveness, before he turned to Uther with determination. “I place myself at your mercy.”

“He doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” Gaius said, the fear in the old physician’s voice the thing that finally brought Arthur out of stunned shock and into his own body.

“I do,” Merlin said, looking directly at the king.

Gaius was not a man to show fear, but his eyes shone with affection for Arthur’s ridiculous servant. Arthur respected Gaius immensely, and with each word out of Merlin’s mouth, he started to see why Gaius cared about this wild-haired, harebrained boy. The one who was about to let the king kill him to protect Gwen.

“Then arrest him,” Uther declared, and Arthur had to act, had to stop this lunacy.

“Father, please! I can’t allow this. This is madness! There’s no way Merlin is a sorcerer.” Even the words felt strange strung together. Merlin was a hopeless mess. Sorcerers, though capable of horrific things, were at least capable by definition.

“Did you not hear him?” Uther asked.

“Yes.”

“He admitted it.”

“He saved my life, remember,” Arthur pushed. Merlin had not only saved his life, but faced Arthur’s wrath after the instance with Valiant and the snake, trying to save Arthur even after the way he had dismissed him. Merlin seemed to have a knack for trying to protect people.

“Why would he fabricate such a story?” Uther asked, and a possible answer popped into Arthur’s head, one that might even be true.

“As Gaius said, he’s got a… grave mental disease.” He’d seen the way the two servants were together. Shyly adorable – not that he would admit he found either of them adorable.

“Really?” his father asked.

“He’s in love,” Arthur announced.

“What?” Merlin asked, sounding like he’d expected literally anything else to come out of Arthur’s mouth.

“With Gwen,” Arthur continued, relieved beyond belief at the grin on his father’s face.

“I am not,” Merlin said, sounding more concerned about this than he had about declaring himself a sorcerer.

“Yes, you are.” Arthur wondered just exactly how stupid Merlin was.

“No way.”

“I saw you yesterday with that flower she’d given you,” Arthur said, feeling more and more secure with his own reasoning.

“I am _not_ in love with her!” Merlin’s insistence might really be quite insulting if Gwen were to hear it. Arthur couldn’t let his idiocy get him burned at the stake. He slung his arm around Merlin’s shoulder. He felt Merlin tense under his grip.

“It’s alright,” Arthur said, trying to make his tone as teasing as possible. His father had to believe this, he _had_ to. “You can admit it.”

“I don’t even think of her like that!”

“Perhaps she cast a spell on you,” Uther said, and Arthur felt his stomach drop until his father snickered, inspiring laughs from the other council members, as well. Merlin’s idiocy wasn’t going to get him burned at the stake.

“Merlin is a wonder, but the wonder is that he’s such an idiot,” Arthur said. “There’s no way he’s a sorcerer.”

“Don’t waste my time again,” the king declared. “Let him go.”

Merlin looked at Arthur like he wanted to kill him when he left the room. Was that because Arthur had ruined his chances to save Gwen with an insane charade… Or because Arthur had ruined his chances to save Gwen with the truth?

*

“Sorry about all this,” Arthur said to Morgana, indicating the mess that was his room. “Merlin’s not been in today.” Not that he really blamed him.

“Poor Merlin.” Morgana glanced sadly at the cluttered table.

“Yeah.”

“To offer to give up his life to save Gwen’s,” she said wistfully. “I certainly can’t imagine any man loving me so much.”

For some reason, something about that sentence bothered him, but he could not quite put his finger on it. Perhaps it was the painting of his clumsy servant as some sort of hero.

“No, I certainly can’t imagine that either,” he said in efforts to lighten the mood. Morgana smirked.

“That’s because you’re not like Merlin,” she said. “He’s a lover.”

Something tightened in Arthur’s stomach at that idea. Merlin as a lover was certainly not an image he’d ever had in his head, and he wasn’t entirely comfortable with Morgana putting it there.

“Yeah, maybe that’s because I haven’t found the right person to love.”

“Sadly the age of gallantry seems to be dead.” Oh no. Morgana had that look in her eye, that glint of playful manipulation. Arthur should have seen it right away. “You look around and all you see are small men, not big enough to fill their armour. There’s not one of them that’s able to stand up for what is right.”

Damn her to hell, but Morgana knew exactly how to get to him. She knew he was never going to let an implied insult like that lie.

“What do you want me to do?”

*

“Did you see it?” Merlin asked, his voice jumping back at them in the dark tunnels.

“Yes,” Arthur replied, eyes intently on the water.

“What did it look like?”

“It…” Slimy, disgusting, dangerous. “It’s quick.”

The Afanc emerged right by Morgana, who let out a surprised scream. Arthur tried attacking the beast again, but it disappeared back into the darkness.

“Where is it?” he asked.

“I think it’s gone this way!” Merlin shouted, leading the way.

When the creature came upon them again, Arthur swung his sword at it, but somehow the slippery monster managed to yank it from his grasp. Morgana’s torch was torn from her, as well, leaving them with Arthur’s torch as their only weapon.

“Arthur, use the torch!” he heard Merlin shout. Arthur did, swinging it towards the creature. In the back of his mind, he vaguely registered a sound like words on the wind, the hissing of a strange language he didn’t recognize.

The torch hit the Afanc and caught, lighting it up in a blaze and burning it alive as they watched. After, they all panted heavily, staring between the crumpled body and each other.

Arthur finally focused his attention on Merlin, who was breathing just as heavily as if he too had just been wielding a heavy weapon in battle.

Arthur recalled the determination in his voice when he confessed for Gwen, and his almost instinctive denial when he refused to be in love with her, and Arthur found himself wondering if perhaps he hadn’t slain the monster all on his own.


	3. S1E4 – The Poisoned Chalice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a re-imagining of certain chosen scenes from the fourth episode of BBC Merlin - The Poisoned Chalice.
> 
> Merlin tries to sacrifice himself for Arthur and it is giving him Complicated Feelings.

It was a boring, but momentous occasion. Most of Arthur’s evening had been spent enjoying the sight of Merlin looking absolutely miserable in the ridiculous hat Arthur made him wear, but Merlin wasn’t around at the moment. Which was just as well, because Uther would prefer his son to pay attention to their guest’s toast.

“And may the differences from our past remain there,” King Bayard concluded. “To your health, Uther.” The room got to its feet with raised glasses. Bayard shifted his gaze from Uther to his son. “Arthur.”

Arthur started to bring the cup to his lips but evidently, Bayard got satisfaction from keeping everyone on their feet. “Morgana.” He tipped his cup to the lady, who nodded in acknowledgement. “The people of Camelot!”

Finally, that seemed to be the end of it.

“And to fallen warriors on both sides,” Uther said, because his father could never simply let someone else have the final word, even in their own damned toast.

Arthur tried one more time to raise his glass, but the entire room was distracted yet again by the unmistakably frantic shouts of Merlin, who came running back into the room.

“Stop! It’s poisoned, don’t drink it!”

Merlin came straight for Arthur and tore the goblet from his hands and stepped away as if distance alone could protect the prince from its contents. Why was it that these things always happened with Merlin, of all people? The man had zero self-preservation instinct.

“What?” Uther asked, fury already seething from him.

“Merlin, what are you doing?” Arthur asked, as if there was any way to stop this catastrophe already unfolding.

“Bayard laced Arthur’s goblet with poison,” Merlin said, putting the final touches on Arthur’s suspicion that his servant had a death wish.

“This is an outrage!” Bayard shouted. In the space between heartbeats, he and his men had their swords drawn, and the knights of Camelot had theirs in response.

“Order your men to put down their swords,” Uther yelled over the commotion. “You are outnumbered.”

“I will not,” Bayard hissed, “allow this insult to go unchallenged!”

“On what grounds do you base this accusation?” Uther asked.

“I’ll handle this,” Arthur said and closed the distance between him and Merlin. “Merlin, you idiot. Have we been at the slow gin again?”

How many times did he have to ridicule Merlin in public for his servant to take the hint and stop risking his life like this? Arthur grabbed at Merlin and took the goblet, fighting the urge to march Merlin out of the room that very instant. Most people in attendance looked like they wished him harm.

“Unless you want to be strung up,” Uther said with that frightening rage. “You will tell me why you think it’s poisoned, _now_.”

“He was seen lacing it,” Merlin replied.

“By whom?”

Merlin hesitated. Oh, no. “I can’t say.”

“I won’t listen to this anymore,” Bayard barked.

“Pass me the goblet,” Uther said, and Arthur did as instructed.

“If you are telling the truth…” Uther said slowly.

“I am,” Bayard replied.

“Then you have nothing to fear, do you?” Uther’s voice was menacing, and as Bayard reached out for the goblet, Uther snatched it away. “No. If this does prove to be poisoned, I want the pleasure of killing you myself.” Then, to Arthur’s horror, Uther turned and held the goblet towards Merlin. “He’ll drink it.”

“But if it’s poisoned, he’ll die!” Arthur exclaimed before he could stop himself. His father would not be pleased at him protecting a servant, but Arthur knew Merlin well enough by now to know that he always had other people’s best interest at heart. He wouldn’t create this scene if he didn’t truly believe his words were true.

“Then we’ll know he was telling the truth,” Uther said uncaringly.

“And what if he lives?” Bayard asked.

“Then you have my apologies, and you can do with him as you will.”

“Uther, please!” Gaius said, speaking up for the first time, as if he only now realized that he was not, indeed, in the middle of a nightmare. “He’s just a boy. He doesn’t know what he’s saying!”

“Then you should’ve schooled him better.” Uther sounded just as cruel in that moment as Arthur knew he could be, and his fear turned into panic. He whipped around to face Merlin.

“Merlin, apologize.” Arthur couldn’t even bother hiding his concern. “This is a mistake. I’ll drink it.”

Perhaps Merlin really was wrong and this was just a horrible misunderstanding. The determined calm settling over Merlin’s face as he looked at Arthur, though, indicated otherwise. Arthur reached out for the goblet but Merlin stepped back.

“No, no, no, no, no,” he said. “It’s, it’s alright.”

Merlin, the fool, the incompetent, caring, selfless idiot that he was, tipped the goblet in a toast to Bayard and then Arthur, and lifted it to his lips. He drank.

The world stopped, holding its breath, for several seconds.

“It’s fine,” Merlin finally said, sounding unsure for the first time since this started.

“He’s all yours,” Uther said dismissively, as if he didn’t care if this was all a misunderstanding, as if it didn’t matter that he was condemning Merlin to Bayard’s wrath. Arthur was ashamed in that moment, that his father didn’t even consider that Merlin had his best interest at heart, but at least Merlin was still alive.

That’s when the choking started and Merlin collapsed to the floor, unconscious.

“It’s poisoned!” Uther shouted. “Guards, seize him!”

Arthur didn’t even notice the knights rounding up the resisting Bayard and his men. He was already on his knees beside Merlin, watching Gaius trying to wake him up. He wasn’t succeeding.

“Merlin, can you hear me?” The old man looked at Arthur and Gwen, who he only now noticed beside him. “We have to get him back to my chambers. Bring the goblet. I need to identify the poison.”

Gwen grabbed the goblet from the floor, and Arthur scooped Merlin into his arms, trying very hard not to think how much it felt like carrying a fallen soldier.

“Lay him on the bed quickly,” Gaius instructed back in his chambers. “Gwen, fetch me some water and a towel.”

Arthur lay Merlin down as gently as he could. “Is he going to be alright?”

“He’s burning up,” Gaius said. He was wearing his professional physician mask now, but his concern still showed in his eyes.

“You can cure him, can’t you, Gaius?” Gwen asked, and Arthur was unreasonably grateful that she did, because Arthur was too afraid to. He paced as Gwen and Gaius examined the goblet and the flower petal they found inside it. Gaius identified it as a petal from the poisonous Mortaeus flower. That apparently only grew in the caves beneath the Forest of Balor. Guarded by a venomous cockatrice. Up in the mountains from which few had returned alive.

Arthur let Gaius’s words sink in, and let his gaze flicker to Merlin’s still, frail-looking form, soaked in sweat and quiet in a way that felt wrong. Merlin was supposed to be prattling on like an idiot. He wasn’t supposed to look like this.

“Sounds like fun,” Arthur said, already heading for the door.

“Arthur, it’s too dangerous,” Gaius said, forcing Arthur to stop and ask the question he really didn’t want to know the answer to.

“If I don’t get the antidote, what happens to Merlin?”

Gaius swallowed, not wanting to say it any more than Arthur wanted to hear it. “The Mortaeus induces a slow and painful death. He may hold out for four, maybe five days, but not much longer. Eventually, he will die.”

Arthur left without another word.

*

This couldn’t be happening, it couldn’t end like this. After everything he had just fought through, this couldn’t end with his father’s enraged face glaring at him in their own dungeon.

“You disobeyed me.”

“Of course I did, a man’s life what at stake,” Arthur said, shocked at his own insolence but not enough to apologize for it. “Do not let Merlin die because of something I did.”

“Why do you care so much?” Uther asked. “The boy is just a servant.”

The sentence made Arthur want to scream. “He knew the danger he was putting himself in,” he said instead. “He knew what would happen if he drank from that goblet, and he did it anyway. He saved my life.” 

_And not for the first time,_ he thought, but knew his father would not be swayed by that argument. Merlin was a servant, and therefore disposable to the king. Well, he wasn’t disposable to Arthur. Instead, Arthur swallowed his pride and shared his suspicions that it was the woman in the woods and not Bayard who tried to kill him. He was not surprised that Uther dismissed the idea without a second thought. Instead, he took out the flower.

“Gaius knows what to do with it,” he said, holding it out to his father. His heart soared in relief when Uther took it. “Put me in the stocks for a week, a month even, I don’t care. Just make sure it gets to him. I’m begging you.”

It was the wrong thing to say, Arthur realized as soon as he stopped. He’d shown too much. Uther could see it now, see how much Arthur cared about the life of his servant, Uther could see Arthur’s desperate need for Merlin to live, and that was a weakness Uther could not tolerate in his son.

Uther’s fist closed in a crushing grip around the flower. Arthur felt himself shouting in disbelief but he couldn’t hear it over his heartbeat pounding in his ears.

“You have to learn there’s a right and a wrong way of doing things,” Uther said with practice coldness. “I’ll see you’re let out in a week. Then you can find yourself another servant.”

Uther dropped the flower to the ground like it meant as little to him as Merlin’s life.

*

Arthur had to stop and remind himself to breathe when he walked into Gaius’ chambers and saw Merlin from the back, sitting upright by the table. His shoulders slumped and he looked tired, but he was _living._

“Still alive, then?” Arthur said with much more ease than he felt.

Merlin turned around and their eyes met, turning Arthur’s relief into something else that twisted in his stomach, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on.

“Oh. Yeah, just about. I understand I have you to thank for that.”

Arthur had a feeling Merlin was also trying to sound more casual than he felt. “Yeah, well, it was nothing. A half decent servant is hard to come by. I was only dropping by to make sure you’re alright. I expect you to be back to work tomorrow.”

“Oh, yeah, yeah, of course. Er, bright and early.”

Arthur watched a lovely shade of red bloom on Merlin’s cheek and up his neck, and had to take a deep breath to steady himself as he turned to leave.

“Arthur.” Merlin’s voice stopped him. He had never heard Merlin say his name in that way before, like he was being careful not to break it. Arthur looked back over his shoulder, and Merlin smiled at him. “Thank you.”

“You too,” Arthur said, trying to smile back but not quite sure he managed. “Get some rest.” _And please never scare me like that again._


	4. S1E5 – Lancelot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a re-imagining of certain chosen scenes from the fifth episode of BBC Merlin - Lancelot.
> 
> Merlin gets a new friend and Gwen gets Feelings.

Merlin watched Lancelot and Arthur talking across the room, and he couldn’t keep the grin off his face. This was everything Lancelot deserved. He was one of the best people Merlin had known in his life, and Merlin had been able to help make his dreams come true. He’d been able to use his magic to help a friend in a positive way, one that wasn’t just a matter of life and death. It was an incredible feeling.

“You know what?” Merlin said to Gwen beside him. “I think our Sir Lancelot might have eyes for you, Gwen.” The new knight had been staring at her since she entered the room.

“Don’t be silly,” she said, but Merlin saw the faint blush in her cheeks.

“What? So what if he did? Would that really be so bad?”

“He’s not really my type,” Gwen said, so unconvincingly that they both exchanged looks and fought to hold back laughter.

“Well, there’s a surprise,” Merlin teased. “Sometimes, Guinevere, I wonder if you’d know your type if he was standing right next to you.”

Gwen poked Merlin in the arm with her elbow and shook her head at him as Merlin grabbed another drink from a passing servant. He was feeling more giddy than usual because of his friend’s happiness and was determined to enjoy it.

“So, come on. For the sake of argument. If you had to; Arthur or Lancelot?”

“But I don’t have to and I never will,” Gwen said with a tone indicating he wouldn’t pry anything from her lips that she didn’t want to share.

“Oh, you are no fun, Gwen,” Merlin laughed.

“Oh? Then, what about you?” Gwen asked playfully. “Arthur or Lancelot?”

Merlin nearly choked on his drink, coughing several times before he could speak. Gwen was looking extremely pleased with herself. Merlin’s gaze returned to the topics of their conversation across the room. Lancelot was radiating pride and happiness, but then he always looked more like a cheerful baby animal than he had any right to. Arthur, standing beside him, cheeks flushed with drink and excitement, smile wide and radiant, looked like he always did. Like sunshine incarnate.

“Oh, never mind,” Gwen said, and Merlin noticed she was staring at him with wide, amused eyes. “I can tell. It’s written all over your face.”

“Shut up,” Merlin muttered and took another sip of his drink.

“Ladies and gentlemen!” Arthur raised his voice across the room and pounded the table. “Please join me in a toast to our new recruit, our new knight of Camelot, Sir Lancelot!”

The room erupted into applause, Merlin and Gwen joining in more enthusiastically than anyone around them.

*

It was hard to remember how happy he had felt at the feast when he stood in the dungeon, looking at his friend through the bars.

“I don’t know what to say to you, Lancelot.”

“You’re not to blame,” Lancelot replied, because of course he did, because he was the kindest friend anyone could ever ask for.

“Yes, I am,” Merlin said, feeling the truth of it in his soul. “I pushed you. I made you lie.” Without his magic, none of this would have happened.

“The choice was mine,” Lancelot said. “My punishment is mine to bear, and mine to bear alone.”

Uther was so concerned with noble blood and birth, yet he couldn’t see that Lancelot was more noble in his heart than any of noble blood Merlin had ever met. 

“I wish there was something I could do.”

“There is,” Lancelot said with the gentleness only he could manage. “You can stop blaming yourself.”

*

“Is it true?” Merlin asked when he entered Gaius’s chamber. “The griffin can only be killed by magic?”

“Yes, Merlin. I’m certain of it. If Arthur rides out against it, he’ll die.”

Those were not words Merlin was willing to dwell on. “Then he must be stopped. Uther must see reason.”

“Where magic is concerned, our King is blind to reason,” Gaius said. “And yet… Magic is our only hope.”

Merlin stared. “You’re not suggesting…”

“It is your destiny, Merlin. The true purpose of your magic.”

“You saw it, Gaius! I can’t go up against that thing.”

“If you do not, then Arthur will surely perish.”

Which was not an option, as far as Merlin was concerned. And yet. “No… This is madness. I don’t have magic that powerful. There must be another way.”

“This is the only way,” Gaius said, and Merlin could sense how reluctant he was to say so, but Merlin’s own fear overshadowed all reason. Fear that he was a failure. Fear that Arthur would be killed.

“Do you even care what happens to me?” Merlin erupted. “Oh, just do this, Merlin. Do that, Merlin. Go and kill the griffin, Merlin. I’ll just sit here and warm my feet by the fire!”

He was already regretting every word by the time he finished, but Gaius spoke before he could say as much.

“Merlin!” the old man said, his hurt hitting Merlin like a punch. “Merlin, you are the only thing I care about in all this world. I would give my life for you without a thought. But for what? I cannot save Arthur. It is not my destiny. You know.”

Merlin wanted nothing more than to throw his arms around Gaius and beg his forgiveness. Gaius was truly more than he deserved.

“I’m sorry,” was all he managed to say. 

“I don’t know what else I can say,” Gaius said, as if he still wasn’t certain he had convinced Merlin how much he cared for him.

“I’ll say it for you,” Merlin said with renewed determination. “We have two hours to find a way to kill that thing.”

*

While he had been the only thing occupying her thoughts for days, Lancelot was still the last person Gwen expected to find in her home that evening. 

“I’m sorry to disturb you, My Lady,” he said, and Gwen’s heart swelled at the sound of his voice and the sight of him out here, free.

“Lancelot, what are you doing here?”

“I have no time to explain,” he said urgently. “I need weapons, armour, and the best you’ve got.”

There was a passionate fire in his eyes that both frightened and emboldened her. “But what’s this all about?”

“Arthur stands in mortal peril,” he replied. “I must do what I can to protect him. It’s my duty. Knight or not.”

Gwen felt as though her heart was full to the brim. “You really believe that, don’t you?”

“Yes, My lady.” Lancelot’s eyes held hers. She had always dreamed of being looked at like that.

“Lancelot, I don’t believe I’ve ever met your like before,” she said softly. Every part of her wanted to close the distance between them.

“Guinevere, If I should not return…”

“Don’t go, Lancelot,” she said without a thought, because the idea of the world losing this man’s light was too much to stomach. “Please.”

Lancelot’s gaze softened, the corner of his lips pulling up in a sad little smile. “But go I must.”

Of course he did. It was exactly what made him so very… _Lancelot._

_ _ Gwen nodded, and set out to locate everything he needed for what was to come.

*

“Don’t worry, Merlin, I know you’re trying.” Gaius was trying to be reassuring and supportive, but Merlin wasn’t in a mood to be reassured.

“And I’m failing. And if Arthur dies because I’m not good enough…” The thought didn’t even bear thinking about. 

“Merlin!” Gaius chastised, but couldn’t say more because Gwen came running into their room with a look of concern that did not help Merlin’s nerves.

“Merlin! Lancelot’s riding out to kill the griffin!”

So many questions accompanied that statement, but there was no time for any of them. “He’s what?” was all he could manage, and with one last look of desperation exchanged between him and Gwen, Merlin took off running.

He found Lancelot as he was saddling a horse. He had no idea how he got out of the dungeon, though he could take a guess. Arthur was a better man than his father in every way, but Merlin didn’t imagine he pictured Lancelot going straight from the dungeons and towards near certain death.

“I’m coming with you,” Merlin said by way of greeting.

“No, you’re not,” Lancelot said.

“Just try and stop me.”

“Merlin, you’re not a soldier,” Lancelot pleaded, and Merlin wanted to strangle him.

“You said it yourself, Lancelot; Arthur needs all the help he can get. Now let’s go.”

*

Merlin and Lancelot stood together outside the throne room, nerves frayed and both of them pretending they couldn’t hear Arthur and Uther’s shouting match through the door.

“They’ll restore your knighthood,” Merlin said with more confidence than he felt. “Of course they will. You killed the griffin.”

“But I didn’t kill it,” Lancelot said, causing a chill to run down Merlin’s spine. Lancelot guided him down the hall, out of earshot of the guards.

“ _You_ did,” he said lowly.

“That’s ridiculous,” Merlin said, too quickly, too much of an instinctual reaction.

“Bregdan anweald,” Lancelot said. “I heard you. I saw you.”

Merlin fought his instant reaction, which was to turn around and run until he was back in Ealdor and hiding in his mother’s arms.

“Don’t worry,” Lancelot said quickly, noting Merlin’s worry. “Your secret’s safe with me. But I cannot take the credit for what I did not do. There’ll be no more lies, no deceit.”

Of course he had nothing to fear from Lancelot, Merlin thought, loathing himself for his first reaction. Lancelot was too good a person to be blinded by magic. He could still see Merlin for who he was. He was just too honest for his own good.

“Lancelot, I am never going to take the credit for what happened,” he said carefully. “I couldn’t if I wanted to.”

“I understand that,” the other man said. “And I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for you to never get or even ask for praise for your actions. But I don’t want to be a part of it.” Lancelot smiled at him, wide and sincere and happy. “I already knew you were a good man before this, and now I know you are even better than I had imagined. I cannot give you the credit you deserve, but I can refuse to rob you of it. If this is the only way I can become a knight, so be it. I will not stand on your shoulders and claim to be a giant.”

“Lancelot –“

“I know,” he said. “I know you would happily let me. But my respect for you outweighs even my desire to be a knight. You will not change my mind.”

Merlin swallowed, overwhelmed by this feeling of friendship. “What are you going to do?” he asked.

“The only thing I can do.”

*

Merlin sat next to Gwen, both of them staring at the spot where they had last seen Lancelot’s retreating figure before it disappeared from view.

“I’m sorry,” Merlin said, breaking the long silence. “I know you cared about him. If it helps, I know he cared for you in return.”

“I think I know that, too,” Gwen replied. “I understand why he can’t stay, but I do long for the day we get to see him again.”

“So do I,” Merlin said. He had forgotten how freeing it felt to have a friend who knew about his magic and still cared. The only other friend he had like that was Will, and Lancelot’s instant acceptance had reminded Merlin of how much he missed him. It was so lonely, never fully being yourself with the people you cared about. 

“You know, it might be for the best that he is gone,” Gwen said, breaking his reverie. “It would be complicated if he stayed. His dream is to become a knight; if he made that dream come true, I would still only be a servant. It wouldn’t be proper. And if he couldn’t be a knight, he would be miserable.”

“I’ve never known you to accept defeat rather than tackle a challenge,” Merlin said and bumped his shoulder against Gwen, earning a small smile. “But I know what you mean.”

Gwen turned to face him, smile widening. “Merlin! Don’t tell me you’ve someone you care for but are too frightened to go after. You are my bravest friend; I might have to rethink my opinion of you if it.”

Merlin knew she was only teasing, her tone was light and her eyes shining with affection, but the words hit him harder than they should. Gwen noticed and instantly softened, her hand on his shoulder in that warm reassuring way she had.

“Oh, Merlin. I wasn’t expecting to be right. _Is_ there someone like that you care about?”

Merlin stared at his friend. If he couldn’t tell Gwen, who could he tell? But it wasn’t something he had allowed himself to think, and he still couldn’t. Just forming the words in his mind felt dangerous. Nothing good could come of it. He couldn’t tell Gwen if he couldn’t even say it to himself.

“Perhaps,” he said, barely above a whisper. “But it’s complicated, too”


	5. S1E7 – The Gates of Avalon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a re-imagining of certain chosen scenes from the seventh episode of BBC Merlin - The Gates of Avalon.
> 
> Merlin experiences Jealousy and pretends not to notice.

Merlin hadn’t missed it – the way Arthur hadn’t been able to take his eyes off Sophia the whole time they had been before the King. The way Arthur had sagged with relief when Uther invited Sophia and her father to stay as their guests. The smile Arthur and Sophia exchanged before she left the room.

He supposed she was very pretty. Perhaps a bit more innocent and helpless than he had imagined Arthur’s type to be. Not that he had spent much time imagining what sort of person was Arthur’s type. He just assumed the prince would lean more towards someone… different.

“Make sure you put her in a decent room,” Arthur said.

Merlin hesitated. His job was to serve the prince. Arthur had looked so happy when Sophia returned his smile in the throne room…

“The one next door’s empty,” he said, ignoring whatever that uncomfortable thing was that his stomach was doing.

“The one next door’s fine. Excellent, in fact.” Arthur glanced towards Merlin, probably mistaking his expression for someone trying to fight back amusement. “Shut up, Merlin.”

“What? I didn’t say anything.”

“You didn’t have to,” Arthur said. “I want to make it clear that my intentions towards Sophia are completely honourable." He sighed at himself. "Put her in the room on the other side of the castle. It’s warmer, more comfortable.”

“Of course,” Merlin agreed. Damn it, he didn’t want to talk about this, but he couldn’t help it. He had to see Arthur’s reaction. “She, er, is very beautiful.”

“Yes, she is,” Arthur said, quite without hesitation. Merlin had never seen him this excited about anything that didn’t involve swords and chainmail. His job was to serve the prince, he reminded himself again.

“If your intentions are honourable…”

“Oh, they are,” Arthur repeated fast. “Most definitely.”

“Then what’s the problem with her staying next door?” he asked, and hated himself for it, but it was worth it for the smile that lit up Arthur’s face.

“There isn’t one. You’ve convinced me,” he said. “Put her in the room next to mine.”

_Great job, Merlin_ , he thought to himself, already surly. _Best servant ever._

*

The next day, Arthur asked Merlin to cover for him with the king so he could take Sophia for a ride.

“Lie to the King?” Merlin exclaimed. “No. No way. He’ll see right through me. He’ll have me in the stocks quicker than you can say rotten tomatoes.” And then he would be pummeled with said tomatoes.

“Merlin,” Arthur said, and Merlin hated it when he said his name like that, like Merlin was the only person in the world who could help him. “I need you to do this for me.”

“I am a terrible liar,” Merlin said, which in and of itself was a lie, and the irony didn’t escape him. “I start sweating, my vision blurs, my, my brain stops working.”

“No change there, then,” Arthur said. “Look, I promised Sophia I’d take her out and if I don’t turn up, it’ll blow my chances.”

Damn him for looking all genuine like that. “You like her, then?” Merlin asked.

“Yeah,” Arthur said. “What’s not to like?”

Merlin was already going to say yes, they both knew it. He still let Arthur try and convince him some more. He even let Arthur thank him and lie that he wouldn’t forget it. Of course he would forget it.

But Merlin wouldn’t forget that happy look on Arthur’s face, and a stupid part of him would do anything to help keep it there.

*

The next morning repeated itself in much the same way. Merlin forgot about the bruises the fruit had left on him the moment Arthur started talking about his time with Sophia. His eyes lit up when he said her name. He smiled like an excited child. Of course Merlin agreed to cover for him again, even though he knew it would end up just like before.

*

The relief Merlin felt when they realized Arthur was enchanted was definitely only because of Arthur’s safety. Definitely. It had nothing to do with the fact that his feelings for Sophia weren’t real. Nothing at all to do with the fact that the joy on his face when he spoke about her had been brought about by magic and not genuine feelings.

None of those things had anything to do with Merlin’s relief.

Absolutely nothing at all.

*

The relief had turned more to nerves when Merlin entered Arthur’s chambers after the publicly humiliating affair with Uther, and found Arthur in his chainmail, packing his bags.

“Get out,” Arthur said. Merlin chose to ignore it.

“I thought the King was a bit harsh,” he said.

“I don’t need sympathy, Merlin, especially not from you.”

“But I did think he had a good point.”

Arthur glared at him with angry eyes. “I ordered you to get out. Now leave me!”

“I know what you think you’re doing,” Merlin continued. “I know you think you’re in love with Sophia –“

“Who are you to tell me what I’m thinking?” Arthur barked at him.

“I’m your friend.”

“No, Merlin, you’re my servant.”

_He’s enchanted, he’s enchanted, he’s enchanted_. “You don’t know what you’re doing,” Merlin said. “She’s cast a spell on you. You’re enchanted.”

“I told you people would try to keep us apart.”

Merlin whipped around to see Sophia and Aulfric enter the room.

“I know,” Arthur said, the devotion in his eyes when he looked at Sophia was enough to twist Merlin’s stomach. “I won’t let that happen.”

“Look, don’t listen to her, she’s controlling you,” Merlin tried again.

“We can elope together,” Sophia said, holding all of Arthur’s attention. “Get away from this place, these people.”

“I saw you,” Merlin said to Aulfric. “I followed him. They’re planning to sacrifice you, Arthur!”

It was hopeless. Arthur refused to listen, and even when Aulfric’s eyes flashed red, Arthur was too blinded to see it. When Merlin was knocked out, his last thought was that his relief definitely hadn’t just been because of the enchantment.

He had been jealous.

And now Arthur was going to die.

*

Arthur didn’t die, but Merlin started to wonder if he himself had brain damage for having been jealous of Sophia – especially after Uther put him in the stocks again. As he was being whacked by produce for the third time in as many days, he decided to bury that realization back in his subconscious where it belonged.

*

“Is she like me?” Merlin asked after Morgana left their rooms with the new sleeping potion Gaius had concocted for her. Merlin’s heart was in his throat.

“No one’s like you, Merlin,” Gaius said affectionately.

“But she has the gift?”

Gaius hesitated. “For her sake, I hope not.”

Once Gaius returned his attention to his work, Merlin snuck out to the hallway and ran to catch up with Morgana. She turned and stopped when he called her name.

“Yes, Merlin?” she asked.

“My lady, I just wanted to… That is to say, I…” What exactly did he want to say?

_I know how you feel?_

_I hate that, if this is true, you may have to suffer in secret like I do?_

“I’m sorry you haven’t been sleeping well,” is what he said instead. “I know what it’s like – to have nightmares, I mean. Dreams you can’t control. I hope it gets easier for you.”

Merlin didn’t know if Morgana understood just how sincere he was in his empathy, but even if she didn’t, her smile indicated she believed he meant well.

“Thank you, Merlin. I appreciate that.” She put a hand on his arm and squeezed once. “It’s always better to know you are not alone, isn’t it?”

“Right,” Merlin said, swallowing against the lump in his throat. “Good night, my lady.”


	6. S1E9 - Excalibur

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a re-imagining of certain chosen scenes from the ninth episode of BBC Merlin - Excalibur.
> 
> Merlin realises he may have Caught Feelings and he is not happy about it.

“So how does it feel to be servant to the Crown Prince of Camelot?” Gwen asked Merlin at the banquet.

“Washing his royal socks will be even more of a privilege,” Merlin joked, but Gwen, of course, saw right through it.

“You’re proud of him, really. Even though you complain about him constantly.”

“I am not,” Merlin denied.

_With all my heart,_ said a stupid voice somewhere inside him.

“You are,” Gwen said. “I can see it in your face.”

“Those socks are very clean!” Merlin said. “Of course I’m proud of them.”

Gwen laughed, and he couldn’t help but do the same. He knew Gwen wasn’t stupid; surely she had put two and two together after their conversation when Lancelot left. But she was the most wonderful friend, and allowed Merlin the distraction.

The black armoured knight bursting through the window, however, was a little more of a distraction than Merlin had been hoping for.

The entire room somehow fell into both chaos and total silence as the knight rode through the separating crowd and stopped in front of Arthur. The black knight threw his gauntlet on the ground before the Crown Prince.

Arthur made a move to pick up the gauntlet, but –

“I, Sir Owain, accept your challenge.”

“Single combat. Noon tomorrow. To the death.”

The knight left. No one knew what to do or how to react, but it was safe to say the party was over. Even Gaius seemed as shaken as the rest when Merlin talked to him, which frightened Merlin more than anything.

He suddenly found himself immensely grateful for Sir Owain’s quick thinking. He just hoped it wouldn’t cost the young knight his life.

*

It did cost him his life, and the more Merlin learned, the louder the fear in his mind and his heart grew, until it threatened to consume everything else inside him.

Arthur would fight the Black Knight.

Arthur would likely die in the process.

*

“Merlin, you know that conversation we had about knocking –” Arthur said, but Merlin cut him off. He was so far beyond caring about decorum.

“You have to pull out.”

“And why is that?” Arthur asked, much too relaxed and irritated than he had any right to be.

“Because he’ll kill you,” Merlin said, and it was so hard to say those words out loud that he thought he might physically collapse from the effort.

“Why does everybody think that?” Arthur asked.

“Because they’re right!” Gods above, he was shouting at the prince and he didn’t even care. “Just pull out. You’re the Crown Prince. No one wants to see you die over some stupid challenge!”

_Least of all me,_ said the stupid voice inside him.

“I am not a coward,” Arthur said, and already then Merlin knew the battle was lost. Any time he heard that determination in Arthur’s voice, there was no getting him to back down. That didn’t mean he would stop trying.

“I know that.” Merlin forced his voice to down a little. “I’ve stood there and I’ve watched you overcome every fear you’ve ever faced.”

“That’s what’s required of me,” Arthur said, like the gallant idiot he was.

“But you are more than that,” Merlin pleaded. “You’re not merely a warrior. You’re a prince, a future king! You’ve proven your courage, but you must prove your wisdom.”

Arthur looked at him. “I’m not backing down.”

Merlin could throttle him. Didn’t he realise how much suffering he would cause with his death? Was he really so blind?

“Please, Arthur, listen to me. This is no ordinary knight. Look at him! He doesn’t eat, he doesn’t sleep. He just stands there in complete silence. Doesn’t that tell you something?”

“No one is unbeatable.”

“If you fight him,” Merlin said, forcing those impossible words out of his mouth again, no matter how much he wanted to swallow them. “You will die.”

“I’m not listening to this,” Arthur said.

“I’m trying to warn you, Arthur.”

“No, I’m trying to warn _you_ , Merlin!” Arthur’s voice quaked with rage and just a little of the fear he was trying so hard to hide.

Merlin knew the conversation was over, knew he had been dismissed. He didn’t make it further than a few steps past the door before he slid down to the floor in the hallway, leaning against the cold stone as if the solidity of them could fix everything.

If Arthur fought the knight, he would die.

If Arthur died, Merlin would be lost.

_It’s time to face the truth_ , Merlin’s inner voice told him, and for once, Merlin let it speak without smothering it down.

_You have feelings for the prince, you idiot. Feelings that go beyond what is appropriate for a servant and master. You care about him, and if you don’t do something, he is going to die._

*

When Uther took the blade forged in dragon’s breath from Merlin and said it would be fine, Merlin let him. He knew he wasn’t supposed to, but he wanted Arthur to live even more than he trusted the Great Dragon. Merlin knew the blade was supposed to work, but what if he was wrong? What if the dragon was wrong?

“Who made this?” Uther asked, admiring the blade.

“Ehm, er, Tom, the blacksmith,” Merlin said. He wasn’t used to addressing the King directly unless he was being ordered to the stocks. To say it made him nervous was an understatement.

“It’s worthy of a King,” he said.

“You would be better off with a sword you trusted,” Merlin said, knowing he should be trying harder to keep the blade out of Uther’s hands. But Uther willingly taking Arthur’s place in this fight was the first decent act of parenting he had ever seen from the king.

“No,” he replied. “It has almost perfect balance. Tom’s not the Royal Swordsmith. I’m surprised Arthur went to him.”

“Oh, that was me. I felt he needed a better sword.” He hadn’t meant to say as much, but when did Merlin’s tongue ever listen to him?

Uther looked at him – possibly the first time he had looked at him without hostility since the day he hired him. “You show him the most extraordinary loyalty.”

“That is my job, Sire.”

“But beyond the line of duty.”

“Well…” Merlin swallowed, unsure how to respond to this. “You could say… that there is a bond between us.”

Merlin wanted to run himself through with the sword. That wasn’t what he had meant. Well, it was, but it wasn’t – oh gods, the idea of Uther realising Merlin had _feelings_ for the Crown Prince because of a stupid way of phrasing…

“I’m glad,” Uther said, much to Merlin’s surprise. There was something almost like gentleness in the king’s eyes, and it was the first time Merlin truly believed that despite all his flaws, Uther loved his son more than anything in the world.

“Look after him,” the king told him.

_I will try with all my might,_ thought the voice in his head. Outside, he simply nodded.


	7. S1E10 – The Moment of Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a re-imagining of certain chosen scenes from the tenth episode of BBC Merlin - The Moment of Truth.
> 
> Arthur slowly Catches Feelings and suspects the truth about something he isn't quite ready to learn yet.

Merlin found him outside sometime after Uther had turned down his mother’s request. Arthur was almost ashamed to face him, but Merlin didn’t look angry.

“I’m sorry,” Arthur said. “If it were up to me, we’d be on our way there now.”

“You tried,” Merlin said, like the act alone was some heroic deed. “And thank you for getting an audience with the King.”

“I wish that Camelot was able to help people regardless of how far away they lived.” Especially when those people matter to my friends.

Arthur’s mind did a double take. When had he started allowing himself to think of his manservant as his friend?

“I’m going back to Ealdor,” Merlin continued.

“Of course.” Arthur had expected as much.

“It’s been an honour serving you.” Not only the words, but the sincerity with which they were spoken, made Arthur turn to Merlin in surprise.

“You’ll be coming back.” Anything else hadn’t even crossed his mind.

“Well, she’s my mother,” Merlin said, though he looked as uncomfortable at the idea of leaving Camelot as Arthur felt. “I have got to look after her before anyone else. You understand?”

Arthur did. But for a moment he wished he didn’t. “I’d do exactly the same.”

He noticed, then, that Merlin looked more miserable than he had any right to. Naturally, he was concerned for his home and his mother, but Arthur got the distinct idea that leaving this place with the possibility of not returning was hurting Merlin more than he wanted to let show.

He couldn’t have that, Arthur thought. If Merlin had to leave, he wanted to at least see a smile on his face before he did.

“Well, you’ve been terrible,” Arthur said with his Serious Princely Voice, and instantly Merlin’s lips quirked up. “Really, I mean it. The worst servant I’ve ever had.”

Merlin grinned, and Arthur thought that Camelot would certainly be a darker place without the light of that smile.

“Thank you, Sire.”

“Merlin,” Arthur said before Merlin walked away. “Good luck.”

*

Arthur shouldn’t have been surprised when he learned that Morgana and Guinevere had decided to join Merlin, but he was. It hadn’t really occurred to him that going along was a possibility – why would it, when his father had declined?

But as soon as the idea entered his mind, he knew he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he didn’t do whatever he could, regardless of whether he had the might of Camelot behind him.

He didn’t know why it seemed so important, but he couldn’t stand the idea of letting Merlin down. Which was absurd, of course. Utterly absurd.

And yet.

*

“I’d ask you for money, but I know you don’t have any.”

Merlin whipped around at the sound of Arthur’s voice, the sword he held like a toy nearly taking Arthur’s head off.

“Arthur!” The joy in Merlin’s voice was more than enough to convince him he’d done the right thing.

“Put the sword down, Merlin. You look ridiculous.”

Merlin did as he was told and led the way back to the camp. Morgana, Gwen and Merlin’s mother were all sleeping near the fire. The two men sat down around it and stoked the fire to keep the heat going.

“How much farther is it?” Arthur asked.

“Er, maybe a few hours,” Merlin replied.

“How many men does Kanen have?”

“Ehm, I’m not sure. I think, from what my mother said, maybe as many as forty.”

Forty competent fighters. They were going to be severely outnumbered and out-muscled.

“You should get some rest,” Arthur said. “It’s going to be a long day tomorrow.”

“Thank you,” Merlin said the word so gently, Arthur almost thought he imagined it. “Erm, I know you didn’t have to come.”

_Of course I did_ , Arthur thought. “Get some sleep,” is what he said.

*

The town was worse off than Arthur had expected. Fighting back against Kanen’s men would be nearly impossible, but he knew he would do his best to help despite the odds.

“Have you always slept on the floor?” Arthur asked Merlin that night. He was having trouble tuning out their concerning circumstances and sleep felt far away.”

“Yeah,” Merlin replied, voice husky with approaching sleep. “The bed I’ve got in Camelot’s luxury by comparison.”

“Must’ve been hard.”

“Mmm. It’s like rock.”

Sometimes Merlin really was as stupid as he looked. “I didn’t mean the ground. I meant, for you. It must’ve been difficult.”

“Mmm, not really.” Merlin thought for a moment. “I didn’t know any different. Life’s simple out here. You eat what you grow and everyone pitches in together. As long as you’ve got food on the table and a roof over your head, you’re happy.

Arthur could barely even imagine a life with such simple absolutes. Everything was so much more complicated at court. “Sounds… nice.”

“You’d hate it,” Merlin said, making Arthur smile.

“No doubt. Why’d you leave?”

Merlin hesitated, and Arthur worried too late that perhaps that had been too much of a personal question.

“Things just… changed,” he said finally. It sounded like there was more to it than that.

“How?” Arthur pushed. “Come on, stop pretending to be interesting. Tell me.”

“I just didn’t fit in anymore. I wanted to find somewhere that I did.”

Silence hung between them in the dark for a long moment. “Had any luck?”

“I’m not sure yet.”

Arthur found himself feeling many strange things about that answer. He found that he wanted Merlin to feel like he fit in. He thought to himself, Merlin seemed to fit in rather well in Camelot.

_You fit in rather well with me_.

Arthur squashed that thought under his boot in a second.

“We’ll start training the men tomorrow,” he said. “It’s gonna be a long day. Get the candle.”

*

Arthur was sharpening his sword when Merlin came to sit next to him. Arthur could feel Merlin was uncomfortable. He hadn’t liked the things his friend Will said earlier, Arthur could tell.

“William’s father was killed fighting for King Cenred,” Merlin explained. “So he doesn’t trust anyone of nobility.”

The concept wasn’t as unfamiliar to Arthur as he wished it was. “Do you think the villagers believed him?”

“No,” Merlin said. “He’s always been a troublemaker. They’re used to ignoring him.”

Arthur didn’t like that. William was clearly Merlin’s closest friend in the village. Had he also been a troublemaker? Had people ignored Merlin, too? Merlin was many things, but he wasn’t to be ignored.

“And if he’s right?” Arthur asked. He didn’t like admitting to doubt, but the question came out anyway. Maybe it was just because it was Merlin, looking at him like he would gladly listen to anything Arthur had to say.

“He isn’t.” Merlin sounded surprisingly confident about that.

“I’m treating these men like soldiers, and they’re not,” Arthur continued. "You’ve seen them fight. They… They haven’t got a clue! You need to tell them all to leave the village before Kanen returns.”

“No,” Merlin said firmly. “We’re going to stay. We’re going to fight, and we’re going to win.”

“Merlin, it can’t be done.” He hated to say it, but it was what he felt. He could better protect these people if they weren’t here. “The odds are too great.”

“It can,” Merlin said. “We’re going to make Kanen rue the day he ever came to this village. All you need to do is get the men ready for battle, and the rest will take care of itself.”

There was so much faith in Merlin’s words that Arthur found himself leaning towards him as if pulled in by this immense confidence in their success.

“How?”

“You’ve just got to believe in them. Because if you don’t, they’ll sense it, and the battle’ll be lost before it’s even begun.”

Arthur stared at Merlin for a moment, wondering how he’d never noticed before that Merlin could be very wise when he wanted to be, and that his eyes, when this close, were the most startling shade of blue.

*

“Arthur,” Gwen said, interrupting Arthur’s watch. The interruption wasn’t unwelcome, until he saw the bowl in her hand. “Hunith made you some food.”

“Thanks,” he said, taking it. “I think,” he muttered as she turned to leave.

Surprisingly, Gwen stopped and turned to face him. He could have sworn she didn’t look so furious a moment ago.

“Food is scarce for these people, you shouldn’t turn your nose up at it!”

Arthur had never heard Gwen raise her voice, and all he could do was stare. It finally seemed to register to her who she had shouted at.

“Oh, no, I—I shouldn’t’ve spoken to you like that. I’m sorry.” She looked like she was about to flee, tripping over her own tongue on the way.

“Gwen,” Arthur said.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I don’t know what I was thinking. It won’t happen again.”

“Guinevere!” Arthur raised his voice. He needed the poor woman to calm down. Honestly, the only other servant who spoke to him that harshly was Merlin, and he never apologised for it. It would have been refreshing if he weren’t so ashamed.

“Thank you,” he said, gently so she wouldn’t think he was angry. “You’re right. And you were right to speak up. I should’ve listened to you and Morgana. We’re going to need all the help we can get.”

“We’ll be fine,” Gwen said.

“How can you be so sure?” Arthur asked.

“Because I have faith in you,” she said. “I mean, we all do.”

Arthur smiled. “Do you know, you sound a lot like Merlin, only much nicer.”

Gwen grinned at that. “Well, no one believes in you more than Merlin does; I believe he thinks that means you can handle truth without manners.”

Arthur laughed at that, and watched Gwen return to the village.

_No one believes in you more than Merlin._

He wondered why he was so eager to believe that was true.

*

Arthur watched Merlin struggle with one of the buckles on his braces. It seemed wrong, somehow, seeing Merlin in armour. Not because Merlin was weak, but because this didn’t feel like something Merlin should have to do, under any circumstances. Merlin should help Arthur prepare for battle and stay safely behind. Arthur’s pulse picked up speed at the idea of Merlin entering the fight with him, exposed and at risk.

Arthur couldn’t stop himself reaching out and helping Merlin with the stubborn buckle.

“You ready?” Arthur asked. He wasn’t used to seeing Merlin looking afraid.

“My throat’s dry,” Merlin said, and Arthur’s heart trembled.

“Me too,” he confessed. He didn’t want Merlin to feel alone in this. He held out his hand and grasped Merlin’s tightly as they shook hands.

“It’s been an honour,” Arthur said, surprised at how much he meant that.

“Whatever happens out there today, please don’t think any differently of me.” It sounded like a plea.

“I won’t,” Arthur promised. “It’s alright to be scared, Merlin.”

“That’s not what I meant.” There was something in Merlin’s eyes, something desperate, something that wanted out but his tongue wasn’t letting him say.

“What is it?” Arthur encouraged. “If you’ve got something to say, now’s the time to say it.” Arthur wondered if he would have, if Morgana hadn’t come in right that moment and announced the arrival of Kanen and his men.

Time for battle.

*

Arthur ran Kanen through and spun back, matching up to Merlin and Will. He couldn’t help the anger in his step, the fury and fear in his entire body. His suspicions aside, his father had spent his entire life telling him magic was evil. 

“Who did that?” Arthur barked when he reached the two friends.

“What?” Merlin asked, feigning innocence.

“Wind like that doesn’t just appear from nowhere,” Arthur said. “I know magic when I see it. One of you made that happen.”

_Why are you pushing this?_ Part of Arthur, a calmer, faraway part, asked him. _Don’t you already know?_

“Arthur…” Merlin’s voice was so grieved, but anything else was interrupted by Will’s shout.

“Look out!” Will pushed Arthur to the side just as an arrow whirled past. It hit exactly where Arthur had been standing – where Will now stood.

“Will!” Merlin reached for his friend.

“You just saved my life,” Arthur breathed.

“Yeah,” Will grunted. “Don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Come on, get him inside!” Arthur ordered. More men joined Merlin and himself and they carried him in, placing him on a table.

“That’s twice I’ve saved you,” Will said, panting from the pain and effort.

“Twice?” Arthur asked.

“Yeah,” the man choked out. “It was me. I’m the one who used the magic.”

“Will, don’t,” Merlin said desperately. Arthur looked at Merlin, but his eyes were fastened on his dying friend.

“It’s alright, Merlin,” Will said. “I won’t be alive long enough for anyone to do anything to me. I did it. I saw how desperate things were becoming and I had to do something.”

Arthur stared at Merlin for a moment longer. As much as he tried to stop it, the image of Merlin storming into the council chamber and declaring himself a sorcerer to save Gwen kept repeating itself in his mind.

“You’re a sorcerer?” Arthur asked, just managing to force his eyes to Will instead as he said the last word.

“Yeah,” Will said. “What are you gonna do? Kill me?”

There was a challenge in his voice, like he was daring Arthur to run a dagger into the heart of a dying man, or set him on fire, for the crime of using his powers to save lives.

Arthur swallowed, hard, once again looking between Will and Merlin. The way Merlin looked at Will… His best friend was dying in front of him, confessing to being a sorcerer.

“No,” Arthur said gently. “Of course not.” He focused on Merlin. “Do what you can for him.”

Merlin nodded, and Arthur squeezed Will’s shoulder before leading the others out of the room. He, himself, lingered closer to the door than was appropriate. He didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but he couldn’t move further away, not with all these thoughts churning in his mind, frantically searching for sense.

“I was right about him,” Will said to Merlin. “I told you he was going to get me killed.”

“You’re not going to die,” Merlin lied with tears in his voice. The sound made Arthur ache.

“You’re a good man, Merlin,” Will said, ignoring the lie. “A great man. And one day, you’re going to be servant to a great king. Now you can still make that happen.”

“Thanks to you,” Merlin replied.

“This place has been boring without you.” Will’s words were becoming more and more strained. “It was good to see you again.”

“Yeah, you too,” Merlin said.

“Merlin. Merlin, I’m scared.”

“Don’t be,” Merlin said, but he sounded just as terrified. “It’s going to be alright.”

“Merlin…”

Arthur forced himself to swallow as the room inside turned quiet, the words replaced by sobs Merlin tried to keep quiet. Arthur fought the irrational urge to go back inside to try and comfort Merlin. Instead, he left him to mourn his friend alone.  
  


*

It wasn’t until much later at Will’s funeral pyre that Arthur was able to speak to Merlin again. He had been preoccupied with many thoughts, and emotions ranging from devastation to fury. Now, though, he was resigned.

“I’m sorry,” Arthur said to Merlin. “I know he was a close friend.”

“He still is,” Merlin said, his voice broken.

Arthur drew a deep breath. His next words determined how they would proceed from here, what things would be like when they returned to Camelot. Arthur thought of all the hard decisions he had made in his life, and wondered if any of them had felt as impossible in the moment as this one.

Arthur only knew he was certain about two things. One thing was that he knew he wasn’t a stupid man. The other thing was that Merlin had a secret that Arthur wasn’t ready to know yet. Not on the surface.

“You knew he was a sorcerer, didn’t you?” Arthur said. “That’s what you were going to tell me?”

There. Their course was set, at least for now.

“Yes. It was.”

“You know how dangerous magic is,” Arthur continued. He could almost hear his father’s voice when he said it. “You shouldn’t’ve kept this from me, Merlin.”

He couldn’t wait around to hear Merlin’s answer, and walked over to Morgana and Gwen. His decision had been made.

Will was Merlin’s best friend, and a sorcerer, and he had saved the life of Arthur and everyone else in Ealdor. That was all there was to it.

He wasn’t ready for the truth to be anything else.


	8. S1E11 - The Labyrinth of Gedref

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a re-imagining of certain chosen scenes from the eleventh episode of BBC Merlin - The Labyrinth of Gedref.
> 
> Arthur and Merlin are both trying trying to die for a good cause, and Merlin admits the truth about his feelings to himself.

Arthur was looking out the window at the people queuing in the Square below. Merlin was watching Arthur watching them.

“They do not yet know there is worse to come,” Arthur said gravely.

“What do you mean?”

“My father is going to stop distributing food to the people. They are to be left to starve. I had a chance to lift the curse, and I failed them.”

Merlin couldn’t stand watching the self-hatred in Arthur’s eyes. “You weren’t to know you were being tested.”

“You seemed to,” Arthur pointed out. “You’ve been right at every turn, and I dismissed you like a fool. My people are starving. Camelot is on the verge of collapse. And it’s all my doing.”

Merlin couldn’t think of anything to say to that, but he knew he had to do something to help Arthur get past this.

Which is how he found himself in the forest, shouting at the trees.

“Anhora! Show yourself! Anhora!”

“You wanted to talk with me?” Anhora said, standing there calmly as though the kingdom wasn’t dying around them.

“I’ve come to seek your help.” Merlin forced himself to speak with the tone of respect that Anhora deserved. “The people are starving. They will soon be dead.”

“You must believe me when I say it gives me no pleasure to see your people suffering,” Anhora said.

“If it pains you, put an end to it,” Merlin pleaded.

“It is not in my power to lift the curse.”

“Then give Arthur another chance,” Merlin begged. “He has accepted it is his responsibility, he will prove himself worthy and lift the curse if you give him one more chance.”

“You have faith in Arthur?” Anhora asked.

“I trust him with my life,” Merlin said. _I trust him with all my heart._ Something in Merlin must have been enough to convince Anhora.

“Arthur must go to the Labyrinth of Gedref. There, he will face a final test. If he fails, there is no hope. The curse will destroy Camelot.”

With those words, he was gone. “Wait!” Merlin shouted. “What kind of test will he face?”

The reply seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere all at once. “That is for Arthur alone to discover.”

*

Arthur knew what Merlin was going to say before he even opened his mouth.

“Let me come with you,” his servant said. “You don’t know what form the test will take. I might be able to help.”

“You’re not coming,” Arthur said. “I brought this curse upon Camelot. I’m going to be the one to lift it, or die trying.” _And I would never forgive myself if you got hurt because of my mistakes._

“Alright,” Merlin said, in a voice that indicated it wasn’t alright at all. “How does you dying help anyone?”

“I’ll die knowing I did everything I can.”

“I’m coming with you.”

_Stupid, stubborn, wonderful Merlin._

“Merlin, you are to stay here.” Arthur tried to put as much authority as he possibly could into his orders. He needed his friend to be safe. “And help the people as best you can. Is that understood?”

He left without giving Merlin a chance to argue with him further. He wished he could have made him smile one last time, if he was indeed going to his death, but he could live without one last smile if it meant lifting the curse and saving his people.

*

Arthur shouldn’t be the least bit surprised when he came through the labyrinth and found himself on the seashore, Merlin sitting at a table with Anhora standing close by. Why would now be the time Merlin started following orders?

“Merlin?”

“I’m sorry,” Merlin said, and Arthur imagined he was only apologizing for getting caught.

“Let him go,” Arthur said to Anhora. “I’ll take your test, but not till he’s released.”

“That is not possible,” Anhora said in his infuriatingly calm voice. “Merlin is part of the test. Please sit. If you refuse the test, you will have failed and Camelot will be destroyed.”

Those were two unacceptable options, but what choice did he have?

“I thought I told you to stay at home,” Arthur said to Merlin as he sat down across from him, but he couldn’t quite manage to sound as angry as he should. “Let’s get on with it.”

“There are two goblets before you,” Anhora began. “One of the goblets contains a deadly poison, the other, a harmless liquid. All the liquid from both goblets must be drunk, but each of you may only drink from a single goblet.”

“What kind of ridiculous test is that?” Arthur asked. “What does that prove?”

“What it proves is for you to decide. If you pass the test, the curse will be lifted.”

Arthur wondered briefly if Anhora was at all capable of speaking without sound so intolerably cryptic.

“Let’s think about this,” Merlin said, pulling his attention to the task at hand. “What if I drink from my goblet first?”

“If it’s poisoned, you’ll die.” Not an option Arthur was willing to consider.

“And if it’s not, then you’ll have to drink from yours, and you’ll die,” Merlin pointed out. “There must be a way around it.”

“It is perfectly simple,” Arthur said, though he knew it was anything but. “One of us has to die. We have to find a way to determine which goblet has the poison. And then I’ll drink it.”

“I will be the one to drink it,” Merlin said as though it was obvious and not up for discussion. Once again he seemed to have forgotten which one of them was actually in charge.

“This is my doing,” Arthur said. “I’m drinking it.”

“It is more important that you live. You’re the future king. I’m just a servant.”

Arthur felt the same anger he had felt when his father had said the same thing, moments before he crushed the flower to cure Merlin in his hands. Arthur hadn’t believed Merlin to be disposable then, and he didn’t believe it now.

“This is no time to be a hero, Merlin. It really doesn’t suit you,” he lied.

Merlin sighed like he was dealing with an obstinate child. “What if I drink from mine first, and if that’s not poisoned, then I will drink from yours?”

“He said each of us is only allowed to drink from a single goblet.” Arthur swallowed, looking from the goblets to Merlin and back. “I had no idea you were so keen to die for me.”

“Trust me, I can hardly believe it myself,” Merlin said, cheeky smile on his face.

Arthur smiled despite himself. “I’m glad you are here Merlin.”

He couldn’t really imagine anyone else he would rather spend his final moments with. That felt like it should be inappropriate, but it didn’t change the truth.

“I’ve got it!” Merlin’s eyes lit up. “Right, we pour all the liquid into one goblet and then we can be sure it is poisoned. Then all the liquid can be drunk, and it will be from a single goblet.”

Arthur stared in wonder. “You never cease to surprise me. You’re a lot smarter than you look.” That was another lie. Merlin did have a glint of wisdom in his eyes. Arthur allowed himself a moment to stare at his friend, finding himself strangely desperate to remember every detail. The crooked grin, the cheekbones that could cut steel, the mess of black hair.

“Is that actually a compliment?” Merlin asked with a smile. Arthur liked it like this, bantering with Merlin while somehow being more himself around him than he could be with anyone else.

“Look out!” Arthur exclaimed, pointing to a spot over Merlin’s shoulder.

Merlin turned around, and Arthur hurried to pour all the liquid into a single goblet, bringing it to his mouth just as Merlin turned back and realisation hit.

“No!” Merlin shouted. “I will drink it!”

Arthur smirked. “As if I’d let you.”

“You can’t die,” Merlin said, and Arthur was moved by his plea. “This isn’t your destiny.”

“It seems you’re wrong again.”

“Listen to me!” Merlin tried one final time.

“You know me, Merlin,” Arthur said, and thought how inexplicably true those words were. “I never listen to you.”

He raised the glass in a toast and poured the liquid down his throat.

The last thing he heard was Merlin shouting his name before everything turned black.

*

“Arthur. Arthur!” Merlin was on the ground, shaking Arthur’s still form as his heart threatened to jump out of his chest. “Come on! Arthur, come on. Come on, come on. No… Come on.”

This couldn’t be happening. It couldn’t be real. Arthur couldn’t be dea –

“Please,” Merlin turned to Anhora. “Please! Just… Let me take his place!”

Anything, there wasn’t anything Merlin wouldn’t do in that moment to bring Arthur back. Nothing was too much to ask to bring him back.

“This was Arthur’s test,” Anhora said. “Not yours.”

“You’ve killed him!” Merlin’s voice scraped against his throat. “I was meant to protect him!”

He felt his failure like a crushing weight. He felt the absence of Arthur like the absence of air. How was it possible he was still breathing with Arthur dead at his feet?

“He is not dead,” Anhora said, so calmly that Merlin wasn’t certain he heard him at first. “He’s merely consumed a sleeping draught. He will come round shortly.”

Merlin stared up at the white clad man. “What?”

“A unicorn is pure of heart,” Anhora said. “If you kill one, you must make amends by proving that you also are pure of heart. Arthur was willing to sacrifice his life to save yours. He has proven what is truly in his heart. The curse will be lifted.”

Not dead.

Merlin looked at Arthur, closed the distance between them, fingers fumbling with the armour on his chest for a heartbeat. No, he didn’t need to feel the heartbeat. He could see it now, Arthur’s chest rising and falling steadily. He was breathing. Arthur was breathing.

Merlin had never seen a more beautiful sight in all his life.

_Damn it._

_I’m in love with him._

The thought formed itself unbidden and uninvited, the thing Merlin had worked so hard not to think, the words he had tried to pretend couldn’t exist. But he had just lost Arthur and gotten him back in a matter of minutes, and he simply wasn’t strong enough to deny the truth of it anymore.

Merlin sat on the shore and watched Arthur’s sleeping form, face framed by golden hair that clung to the sweat on his brow. Merlin resisted the urge to reach out and swipe a strand of that hair away from his face. This was enough, he told himself. He knew there would never be anything else than this. But that was alright, because Arthur was alive, and that was the only thing that mattered.

*

When Arthur had woken up to find Merlin staring at him, lighting up with the most impossible joy the moment Arthur looked at him, Arthur had felt like he could fly – and that was before Merlin told him the curse would be lifted.

Their return trip was made in silence, both men simply marvelling over them both being alive, and when Gaius met them in town and confirmed the crops were growing again, Merlin turned to Arthur radiating with pride Arthur wasn’t certain he deserved.

“You did it,” Merlin said.

Arthur’s guilt wasn’t entirely gone, though, which was why he excused himself from his father and brought Merlin back into the forest again, after he had fetched what he needed.

The unicorn’s horn lay between the stones of the burial mound Arthur had improvised.

“I should never have ended your life,” he whispered. He couldn’t quite believe now how he had mocked Merlin before. How could he have thought that such a magnificent creature deserved to die for sport? “I’m sorry,” he breathed.

Merlin helped him lay stones over the grave, and they worked in silence until Merlin said Arthur’s name. Arthur looked up and followed Merlin’s gaze, and broke into a grin that mirrored Merlin’s as they watched the unicorn, alive and stunning, gazing at them through the trees.


	9. S1E12 - To Kill the King

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a re-imagining of certain chosen scenes from the twelfth episode of BBC Merlin - To Kill the King.
> 
> Merlin and Morgana both struggle with their friend's grief, and Merlin has a very difficult choice to make.

Merlin wasn’t surprised when Morgana entered his chambers.

“Merlin,” she greeted him, but her eyes went directly to Gwen’s sleeping form on his bed.

“Morgana,” he greeted her.

“How is she?”

“She’s doing okay,” Merlin said. As okay as she could, given the circumstances.

“We should let her rest,” Morgana said, and Merlin followed her out of his chambers.

“Morgana, have you spoken to Uther?” Merlin asked when they were in Gaius’s chambers. “He must realise this is a mistake. Whatever Tom was doing, he wasn’t plotting against the King.

“I know that,” Morgana said without hesitation. “Of course I do. But Uther… Uther only sees enemies.”

“But Tom is the most gentle soul I’ve ever met,” Merlin said.

“But he was seen with Tauren, and that makes him an enemy.”

Merlin could hear in her voice that Morgana was as unhappy with this situation as he was. He could feel how much she loathed Uther’s decision.

“Then,” Merlin said as Morgana turned to leave. “There is little hope?”

“There is no hope, Merlin,” Morgana said, grieved. “None at all.”

*

Later, Merlin was in the Square with Arthur when the executioner and a group of guards escorted more men through to the prisons.

“They’re to be executed?” Merlin asked.

“Yes, Merlin,” Arthur said in the tone that indicated he really did not want to have this conversation.

“By order of the King?” He knew he should shut up, but how could he?

“They committed a serious crime,” Arthur said.

“Giving a man a bed for the night?!” Merlin exclaimed.

“Not a man,” Arthur said, his voice clipped and tight. “A sorcerer.”

Merlin’s stomach curled in on itself. It didn’t help that Arthur seemed to hate having to say the words. He was still saying them. “Maybe they didn’t know,” Merlin said.

“It is not for you to question my father’s actions,” Arthur said, finally raising his voice and meeting Merlin’s eyes. In them, Merlin could see the truth. It wasn’t for _Arthur_ to question his father’s orders, no matter if he wanted to. Somehow, for once, seeing the self-loathing Arthur was trying to hide made Merlin feel just a little bit better. “Is that understood?”

“Yes, Sire,” Merlin said, swallowing.

“Now go get on with whatever you’re meant to be doing.”

*

“All right?” Merlin asked when he entered his chamber, where Gwen sat on his bed staring off into nothing. She looked lost. He was glad she was here, he would have hated for her to be alone.

He couldn’t imagine the pain she was going through. Just like himself, Gwen had lost one parent when she was too young to remember, and the one that remained had raised her alone with nothing but love. Merlin didn’t even want to imagine how he would feel if he lost his mother like this, after everything they had been through.

“I just don’t understand,” Gwen said. “Why did he try to escape? His trial was this morning.”

Merlin didn’t have an answer to offer, but he didn’t need to. There was a knock on the door, and Arthur entered. Merlin hated how Gwen instantly stood and addressed him as Sire. Merlin knew that none of this was explicitly Arthur’s fault, but it seemed unfair that Gwen still had to act subservient after what had just happened.

“Guinevere,” Arthur said, seeming unsure of where to begin. He looked as helpless as Merlin felt. “I… want you to know that your job is safe. And that your home is yours for life. I guarantee you that. I know that under the circumstances it’s not much but, erm, anything you want, anything you need, all you have to do is ask.”

Merlin’s feelings of anger faded into an all too familiar pride. How did Arthur always manage to surprise him like this?

Arthur turned to leave, but paused and looked back. “I’m sorry.”

Merlin’s heart soared at the realisation that Arthur really meant that with all his heart.

“Thank you, Sire,” Gwen said, and Arthur left them alone. Gwen sank back down on his bed, and Merlin joined her. He put his arm around her shoulder in a way he might have been too shy about a while ago, but now there was little he wouldn’t do to show Gwen his support.

“It’s alright, Gwen,” he whispered. “You can let go now. It’s just you and me; if you stop being so strong for a moment, I promise I won’t tell anyone.”

It seemed this was all the reassurance Gwen needed. She buried her face in Merlin’s chest, and she cried.

*

Merlin woke up that night with that same feeling as the night Tom was arrested, the feeling of great power. This time, though, he was determined to find its source. He got out of bed and followed where his magic led him.

He hadn’t expected it to lead him to Morgana slipping out of the castle in the cover of night. He hadn’t expected her to meet up with Tauren. And he certainly didn’t expect to hear Morgana volunteer to be Uther’s assassin.

*

“Do you think Uther’s a good king?” Merlin asked Gaius, earning him a startled look.

“Sorry?”

“Uther. Do you think he’s good for the kingdom?”

“Yes. Yes, I do,” Gaius said, which was not what Merlin had been expecting. “In light of recent events, you may find that hard to believe.”

“Hard?” Merlin asked. “No. Impossible? Definitely.”

“Merlin,” Gaius said warningly.

“Everyone hates him.”

“It is not Uther’s job to be liked. It is Uther’s job to protect the kingdom. Most of his methods are right. Sometimes he may go too far.”

“Really?” Merlin said, not able to hide his anger. “You mean like executing anyone who even passes a sorcerer on the street?”

“Yes.” Gaius nodded, looking grave. “But despite Uther’s failings, he has brought peace and prosperity to this kingdom.”

Merlin could hardly believe his ears. “But at what cost? At the cost of women and children, fathers and sons! When will it end?”

“It will end when Arthur is King,” Gaius said calmly.

“Then why not let that time be now? Why not let Arthur be King?”

“Arthur’s not ready. The responsibility would be too great,” Gaius said. “Brave though he may be, he lacks experience, he lacks judgement.” Gaius leaned back. “Is there anything you want to tell me?”

He wanted to tell Gaius that he was sick of living in constant fear of his life because of something he was born with. He wanted to tell him that Arthur may be inexperienced, but his heart held so much good, and he had so much strength that would be a thousand times better for the kingdom than Uther, regardless of experience.

He also wanted to say that he wasn’t ready to watch Arthur’s pain as he grieved his father. He wasn’t ready to see one of his closest friends turn into a killer.

But saying any of those things to Gaius wouldn’t help him make this decision any easier.

“I can’t,” Merlin said. “I just… No, I can’t. You’ve just got to trust me, Gaius. It’s something I’ve got to work out for myself.”

Gaius’s expression turned to one of affection. “I do trust you Merlin. Whatever it is, I know you’ll make the right decision.”

*

Merlin knocked and entered Morgana’s rooms without waiting for a response. He knew it was inappropriate, but Morgana was already looking ready to leave, and he couldn’t let her go through with this without talking to her. Morgana was a good person, she had helped him defend his home. He had to believe she was better than this.

“Merlin, what are you doing here?”

“I know what you are planning to do,” Merlin said before he could lose his nerve. Morgana’s eyes darkened, he could tell she was about to protest. “I followed you, when you went to meet Tauren.”

“And you’re what, here to stop me?” Morgana asked. “If you truly wanted to do that, you would have gone to Arthur. You wouldn’t be here alone, but with guards ready to throw me back in the dungeon. So what do you want?”

“I just… I don’t think you’ve got a clear head about this,” he tried. “I think you are consumed with grief for Gwen and I understand that, I really do, but I don’t think this is going to fix anything.”

“Are you saying you don’t think Uther deserves to be punished for what he’s done? For _everything_ that he has done, not just to Tom?”

Merlin swallowed. “I am not the King’s ward,” he said softly. “I wouldn’t have the luxury of saying such things out loud even if I wanted to.”

Morgana’s emerald green gaze smoothed a little at his words, as if she remembered that Merlin was not her enemy.

“I appreciate what you are trying to do,” she said. “But my mind is made up, and there is nothing you can say or do to stop me. You’re a good friend, Merlin.”

With that, she walked out of her chambers, and Merlin could only stare after her, feeling more unsure than ever about what was the right thing to do.

Later, he stared out the window of Arthur’s chambers and watched as Uther, Morgana and the knights rode out of the Square.

“Merlin?”

He startled at Gwen’s voice behind him. “Gwen. How are you doing?”

“I was about to ask you the same question.”

I’m fine,” Merlin said quickly. “Fine.”

Gwen joined him at the window. “Morgana’s been amazing these last few days.”

“I think you’ve been amazing,” Merlin said. “After all that’s happened, getting your life back together…”

“It’s better than sitting in an empty house, waiting for my father to walk through the door,” Gwen said. “The thing I find hardest to bear is that people will always think he was guilty because he tried to escape.”

“I know he was innocent,” Merlin assured her.

“I think he tried to escape because he knew that whatever he said or did, he’d be killed. Uther had already made up his mind. That’s the kind of man he is.”

“I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted him dead,” Merlin said quietly.

“If Uther died, I’d feel nothing,” Gwen said. “He means nothing to me.”

"But if you had,” Merlin said, “you know… the choice, what would you do? If you had the power of life and death over Uther, would you kill him? For what he did?

“No!” Gwen said, with a conviction that shocked Merlin.

“No?”

“What would that solve?” Gwen asked. “That would make me a murderer. That would make me as bad as him.”

Merlin stared at his friend. “You’re right,” he said. “Of course you’re right.”

He was already on his way out of the room when Gwen yelled after him. “Is anything wrong?”

“No, no!” he shouted back. “See you later!”

*

This time, it was Morgana who found Merlin in his chambers. Gaius was out at the moment, but Merlin imagined Morgana would have had a clever excuse even if he was around.

“You didn’t go through with it,” Merlin said after Morgana had stood silently by his door for several heartbeats. She seemed uncomfortable, unsure of herself. It was rare to see her so far removed from her usual self-confidence.

“No,” Morgana said. “When the moment came, I couldn’t.”

“I’m proud of you,” Merlin said. “No matter how much evil Uther has done, he loves you and he loves Arthur. I believe it would have hurt you both if you had taken his life.”

“I should have known your concern was for our well-being,” Morgana gave him a small smile.

“And for Gwen,” Merlin added. “If she ever found out her grief motivated her best friend to such actions…” He trailed off.

“Yes,” Morgana agreed. “It would only have brought her more sadness.” Morgana walked a bit further into the room, looking around as if the messy floor and bare walls of Merlin’s room held anything of interest.

“You know,” Morgana said finally, “I could have sworn that Tauren planned to bring more men. The ambush was more easily fought off than I expected.”

Ah, Merlin thought. Here they were, then.

“I remember,” Morgana continued, “when I was having nightmares during Sophia’s stay at court. You told me you understood.” Morgana came to stand closer to Merlin, placing her hand gently on his arm like she had that day. “I’m not sure I believed you then. But I believe you now.” She smiled at him. “I meant what I said to you then. It _is_ easier to stand when you know you are not alone.”

Merlin smiled back at his friend, happy and relieved that she now looked like her old self again. “Yes, My Lady, it is.”


	10. S1E13 - Le Morte d'Arthur

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a re-imagining of certain chosen scenes from the last episode of series one of BBC Merlin - Le Morte d'Arthur.
> 
> Arthur could die because Merlin failed to protect him. As far as Merlin is concerned, that is not an option.

Merlin knew the moment he saw Morgana come running out of the palace, hysterical and shouting Arthur’s name, that this was going to end badly. All of it – one way or another. Gaius may have doubts, but Merlin was unwilling to dismiss Morgana’s dreams, and so far, not one of them had been about something pleasant.

Morgana struggled with Arthur, begging him not to leave. “Please, Arthur. I have seen terrible things. You cannot go!”

My gods, it must have been bad for her to lose her composure like this. “She probably had a bad dream, Sire,” he said. “I’ll take her to see Gaius.”

“No!” Morgana shouted. “I will not let you go!”

“Please, Merlin, get her inside,” Arthur instructed, his concern evident to Merlin but he couldn’t let that show in front of his men.

“No!” Morgana screamed. Merlin took her arms and guided her up the steps, whispering to her as quietly as he could.

“I will make sure he’s safe, My Lady,” he told her, hoping she could recall all their previous conversation and understand how much he meant it. “I promise.”

“No!” Morgana shouted as he handed her off to the guards, but her eyes met his and for one moment, Merlin thought maybe she remembered. He hoped it was enough for her to believe him. He _would_ keep Arthur safe.

It was his destiny.

*

_I failed I failed I failed I failed I failed._

Merlin cleared the table for the guards to lower Arthur’s stretcher onto it, and sent them all a look that was apparently crazed enough that they all left the moment Gaius appeared at his side.

“What happened?” Gaius peered at Arthur’s wound. “He’s been bitten.”

“I tried to save him,” Merlin said, but it sounded more like a sob to his own ears.

“You must tell the King,” Gaius said, but he imagined the guards were already handling that.

“There must be something you can do,” Merlin pleaded.

“I wish there was.”

“I’ll find a cure,” Merlin said, already running to his room. He returned with the book.

“The King’ll be here any moment!” Gaius admonished at the sight of it, but Merlin couldn’t possibly care less about the king right now.

“He can’t die,” Merlin said. “It is my destiny to protect him. We haven’t done all the things we’re meant to do.”

“That is the lament of all men,” Gaius said with the wisdom of an old man that Merlin didn’t want to hear at the moment.

“Gaius,” Merlin said desperately. “He’s my friend.” _He is so much more than that. He is everything. I cannot lose him._

Gaius looked into Merlin’s eyes. “Then save him,” he said, as though he had read the whole truth there.

Merlin’s magic flipped through the book, stopping at every page that might be of use, and Merlin tried spell after spell but nothing happened. Arthur remained on the table, pale and bleeding and dying and nothing Merlin was doing helped.

Then the King arrived, and Merlin was made useless, unable to even keep trying. He would have, he would have kept sending his magic into Arthur and not cared if Uther could see, but it would probably get him thrown in chains, and what help would he be to Arthur then? He watched Uther carry his son out of the chambers, but in his mind, he was already preparing to visit Kilgharrah.

*

When Gaius came back to their chambers later and said the words “The Prince lives”, Merlin thought he might die of happiness.

But no, he reminded himself. That wasn’t how he would die.

Only a matter of time now.

*

When Gwen entered his chambers, Arthur was still feeling like absolute hell, but at least he was alive. Gwen smiled at him.

“I knew it! I said you’d be alright,” she gleamed.

“I can remember you talking to me,” Arthur said. Speaking still felt a bit strange, as if his tongue wasn’t quite used to the idea of not dying yet.

“You can?” Gwen asked.

“You stroked my forehead.” Oh yes, teasing his friend was already helping him feel better.

“I was tending to your fever,” Gwen chastised, seeing right through him.

“You never lost faith,” Arthur said more kindly.

“I was just talking.”

“Tell me again what you said?” Arthur grinned.

“I don’t remember,” she said quickly.

“Yes, you do.”

“All right, perhaps I do, but your head is already far too big for your own good, Sire, and I don’t need to encourage it.”

“Come on,” Arthur teased. “Something about the man I am inside.”

“The man you are inside was a lot more pleasant to deal with when he was unconscious,” she said, but she was grinning too.

“Guinevere,” Arthur said. “I just wanted to say thank you. You’re a good friend.”

Gwen smiled warmly at him. “I have to get these washed, Sire.”

*

Merlin was back in Kilgharrah’s cavernous prison, but this time his desperation was fueled by anger.

“The only family I have is my mother, and you had me murder her.” Merlin wanted to incinerate the dragon on his own flames.

“Her life has not been taken in vain,” Kilgharrah said. “We will achieve great things together, you and I.”

Merlin had harboured doubts about the dragon before, but this moment was the first time I truly felt hatred for the coldhearted reptile.

“You will never be released,” Merlin said with all the coldness he felt. “For what you’ve done, I’ll make sure you never see the light.”

The Great Dragon shouted his name and spat fire that Merlin blocked with a spell of his own. He had been so in awe of this creature when he first came here. Finally, someone to help and to guide him with his magic.

“You won’t see me again,” Merlin said, and left the dragon to his loneliness.

*

“Where is she?” Merlin asked Gaius when he entered his chambers

“She’s sleeping,” Gaius replied. He looked so tired.

“I have to save her,” Merlin said, knowing Gaius had been preparing for this argument.

“You cannot,” he replied.

“If the balance of the world needs a life, then Nimueh must take mine.”

“No, Merlin.” So, so tired. Gaius seemed to have aged so much in the last few days.

“Yes. I will return to the island.”

“You are so young,” Gaius said. “Your gifts, your destiny are far too precious to sacrifice.”

“My destiny?” Merlin said. “This is my mother. My powers mean nothing if I cannot save her.” Merlin swallowed, looking at the old man with all the love he felt. “You have taught me so much. Taught me who I am. Taught me the purpose of my skills. Taught me that magic should only be used for great deeds. But most of all, you have always taught me to do what is right.”

“Merlin…” Gaius reflected the unshed tears Merlin felt in his own eyes. He couldn’t let them shed. The most important conversation of his life was still in front of him, and he needed to hold himself together for it.

“I need to say goodbye to Arthur.”

*

He was pouring himself a drink when Merlin entered the room. Seeing him sitting up straight, even if his arm was in a sling, filled Merlin’s heart with joy. The prince looked tired and pale, but he looked alive, and that was always a sight that filled Merlin with hope.

“Ah, Merlin,” Arthur said when he saw him, and Merlin saw a sparkle of something beneath the exhaustion in his eyes.

“How are you?” Merlin asked.

“Good.”

“I’m pleased,” Merlin said. Biggest understatement of his life.

“Yes,” Arthur said. “I owe it all to Gaius.”

Merlin was glad for this. If there was one person he would never resent for getting credit for his own actions, it was Gaius. After all, Merlin would be nowhere without him.

“I need to talk to you,” Merlin finally managed.

“You still haven’t got it yet, have you?” Arthur said with amusement. “I decide when we need to talk.”

“Not today.”

That made Arthur stare at him. “I sometimes wonder if you know who I am.”

“Oh, I know who you are,” Merlin said fondly.

“Good.”

“You’re a prat. And a royal one.”

Arthur chuckled, and the sound was better than any song in the world. “Are you ever going to change, Merlin?”

“No, you’d get bored,” Merlin said, and swallowed. “But promise me this, if you get another servant, don’t get a bootlicker.”

Arthur’s expression changed then, and Merlin almost thought perhaps he looked concerned. “If this is you trying to leave your job –“

“No,” Merlin said instantly. “I’m happy to be your servant. Till the day I die.”

The gentle sunlight lit Arthur perfectly, making his hair glow and his skin looked so soft and warm. Merlin wished he could touch it, just one last time.

“Sometimes I think I know you, Merlin,” Arthur said in wonder. “Other times…” He shook his head as if Merlin was too great of a puzzle to figure out.

“Well, I know you,” Merlin said. For once, he didn’t try to hide the affection in his voice. The prince was too blind to recognize it as love, anyway. “And you’re a great warrior. One day, you’ll be a great king.”

“That’s very kind of you,” Arthur said, clearly amused.

“But you must learn to listen as well as you fight.”

“Any other pointers?” Arthur asked.

“No,” Merlin said. “That’s it.” 

Arthur looked him at him, looked him in the eye, and Merlin allowed himself one moment of near insanity where he imagined what it would be like if he crossed the distanced and kissed Arthur’s lovely lips just once before he died. He looked from Arthur’s lips to his eyes, and he wondered why he’d ever felt like loving Arthur was wrong. He had never been more certain of anything in his life.

But he couldn’t act on it now. He couldn’t have Arthur’s rejection be their last memory together. And even if by some miracle, he wasn’t rejected… He could never kiss Arthur when he was keeping so many secrets from him.

“Just… don’t be a prat,” he said instead, and hoped that somehow that was enough.

*

Merlin found Gwen sitting beside his mother in his rooms.

“Gaius had to go and get some supplies,” she said. “He asked me to keep an eye on her until you got back.”

“Thank you,” Merlin said, whispered so as not to wake his mother.

“I’m sorry,” Gwen said.

“No, she’ll get better,” Merlin replied quickly, even though he knew Gwen wouldn’t believe that.

“I’ve tried to make her feel comfortable,” she said gently.

“You have such a good heart, Gwen. Don’t ever lose that.”

Gwen’s gentle smile changed to one of concern. “Why does that sound like you’re saying goodbye?”

“Because you have a wild imagination,” Merlin teased.

Gwen’s smile returned. “You would be a fool to say goodbye now, anyway.” She lowered her voice conspiratorially. “Have you been to see Arthur yet?”

Merlin’s smile faded. “Why?”

“Oh, come on, Merlin,” Gwen said. “I’m not blind. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but as your friend, I want you to know that I know. I wasn’t certain before, but the way you were when Arthur got hurt compared to your smile when he was cured…”

“I have absolutely no idea what you’re on about.” Merlin tried to keep a straight face.

“Well, you can pretend all you like, but I know the truth.” Gwen’s smile widened. “And I think it would be the most marvellous thing in the world.”

Merlin’s stomach did a flip. “You know it would never be that easy.”

“I know.” Gwen’s smile turned a little sad, wistful. “But we can both dream, can we not? If I can keep hope alive even after Lancelot has been gone for so long…”

She didn’t finish, but she didn’t need to.

“You really are the most marvellous person, Gwen.” Merlin embraced her, which seemed to catch her a little off guard, but she returned it happily before she left the room, giving him a moment alone with his mother.

*

When he sat at the dinner table with Gaius, having seen his healthy mother off to journey home to Ealdor and spotted Arthur looking curiously but healthily looking down from his window after Merlin had embraced her and sent her on her way, Merlin still couldn’t quite believe how it had all turned out.

Arthur was alive.

Hunith was alive.

Gaius was alive.

And, most surprisingly of all, Merlin was alive. The balance of the world had remained intact with the death of Nimueh, and he wasn’t going to lose much sleep over her demise, if he was honest with himself.

“So,” Gaius said after having settled the plates in front of them both and sat down across from Merlin. “Now that this life and death business is out of the way, is there something you would like to talk to me about?”

Merlin took a bite of his meal and thought while he chewed. “I honestly can’t think of anything. You’re possibly the only person in Camelot I don’t have secrets from.”

Gaius gave him a disapproving look. “You and I both know that isn’t true.”

“We don’t, actually.” Merlin honestly couldn’t think of any secret he was keeping from Gaius. He told him everything. Except – “Oh.”

“Oh, indeed,” Gaius grumbled. “I may be an old man, Merlin, but my eyes work just as well as they always have. Most days, at least. And I would like to think that I know you quite well.”

“You know me better than anyone,” Merlin admitted, and yet he wasn’t entirely on board with having this conversation.

“So you know there is nothing in this world that you couldn’t tell me,” Gaius said.

“I know that,” Merlin assured him, and took another bite of his food.

“And?” Gaius raised his eyebrow the way only Gaius could raise an eyebrow.

“And…” Merlin could feel himself going red. “Do we really have to talk about this?”

“By all accounts, you and I should both be dead right now,” Gaius said. “We do indeed have to talk about this. And later we might also have a discussion about your intention to go to your grave without telling me a rather significant part of what is in your heart.”

No one produced guilt in loved ones quite like Gaius.

“Fine,” Merlin said, putting his spoon stubbornly back on the table. “I’m in love with the Crown Prince. Is that what you wanted to hear? I am absolutely, pathetically in love with him to the point of lunacy, so that is two life-altering secrets I am keeping from him, and pretty much everyone else.”

Merlin glared at the table like it had personally offended him, but he looked up when Gaius put his hand on his arm.

“Thank you, my boy,” Gaius said. “That is exactly what I wanted to hear. If this chamber is the one place in Camelot where you do not have to hide your magic, then I do not want you to have to hide anything else here, either.”

Merlin smiled, anger and embarrassment forgotten. “You’re getting quite wise in your old age, aren’t you?”

Gaius smacked him on the side of his head. “My wisdom has nothing to do with my old age,” he said. “Now eat your supper.”


End file.
